As couples age together, maintaining the spark that initially brought them together becomes increasingly challenging. Many long-term relationships experience what experts describe as romantic stagnation—a phenomenon where day-to-day responsibilities and routines gradually replace the excitement and intimacy that once defined the relationship.
Dr. Bernadette Marson, a Clinical Consultant, Author, and Educator at Marson LCSW & Consulting Services, PLLC, reports seeing a concerning trend among her patients.
“I’m working with couples who have been married for 20, 35, even 40 years where there is simply no romance left—the romance is dead,” notes Dr. Marson. “What was once a passionate relationship has often devolved into something resembling a business partnership, with conversations limited to logistics, finances, and family matters.”
Research indicates that romantic relationships naturally evolve over time, but the decline in romantic gestures and emotional connection isn’t inevitable. Experts suggest that intentional efforts can revitalize relationships regardless of age or duration.
“Romance doesn’t simply maintain itself,” explains Dr. Marson, who’s spent over two decades counseling couples. “Long-term relationships require deliberate cultivation of intimacy through consistent small actions rather than just grand gestures.”
Communication remains the foundation for rekindling romance. Couples are encouraged to express appreciation, practice active listening, and regularly discuss desires and expectations. Creating dedicated time for connection without distractions—yes, that means putting phones away!—is essential in our technology-saturated environment.
“Many couples mistakenly believe they know everything about their partner after decades together,” says Dr. Marson. “But people continually evolve. Maintaining curiosity about your partner—their changing interests, thoughts, and feelings—creates space for renewed attraction and discovery.”
Dr. Marson’s Top Tips for Rekindling Romance
When it comes to practical advice, Dr. Marson offers several specific strategies for couples looking to revitalize their relationships:
“Institute a weekly date night, and treat it as non-negotiable as any important meeting,” Dr. Marson suggests. “It doesn’t need to be elaborate or expensive—even a walk followed by coffee can work—but it must be consistent and protected from interruptions.”
For couples struggling with physical intimacy, Dr. Marson recommends starting small. “Begin with a 20-second hug each day,” she advises. “This extended embrace triggers oxytocin release, creating feelings of bonding and trust that can gradually reignite physical attraction.”
Another tip she frequently shares with clients: “Create a ‘relationship appreciation journal’ where you each write one thing you appreciated about the other person that day. Share these entries weekly. This practice shifts focus from complaints to gratitude.”
Dr. Marson also emphasizes breaking patterns. “Take turns planning surprise activities—something you’ve never done together before. The neurological response to novelty mimics early relationship excitement,” she explains. “I had one couple in their 60s take a pottery class together, and they described feeling like teenagers again.”
For those dealing with longstanding resentments, Dr. Marson offers a structured approach. “Set aside 30 minutes weekly for what I call ‘controlled communication.’ Each person gets 10 minutes to express feelings without interruption, followed by 10 minutes of collaborative problem-solving. This prevents emotional discussions from derailing date nights.”
Physical intimacy often changes with age due to health conditions, medication effects, and hormonal shifts. However, experts emphasize that romance encompasses much more than sexual activity. Touch, affection, and non-sexual physical closeness remain vital components of romantic connection throughout life.
“Expanding our definition of intimacy becomes particularly important as we age,” Dr. Marson advises. “Holding hands, gentle massages, or simply sitting close while watching television all nurture connection without performance pressure.”
Introducing novelty presents another powerful strategy for relationship rejuvenation. Trying new activities together creates shared experiences and stimulates the neurochemical responses associated with early romance. Something as simple as trying a new restaurant or taking a different route on your evening walk can make a difference.
Dr. Marson, who maintains private practices in New York while serving clients throughout New York State via telehealth, emphasizes that it’s never too late to rekindle romance. “I’ve worked with couples in their seventies and eighties who have completely transformed their relationships,” she shares. “The willingness to be vulnerable and make consistent small changes often yields remarkable results.”
What’s particularly interesting is how the little things matter most. One couple Dr. Marson worked with started leaving each other unexpected notes—nothing elaborate, just simple messages like “thinking of you” or “you looked nice today.” This tiny habit gradually rebuilt their emotional connection after nearly four decades of marriage.
It’s worth noting that cultural differences can influence how couples express romance. Having traveled to over forty countries, Dr. Marson brings a unique perspective to her practice. “Some cultures are more demonstrative, while others value quiet devotion,” she explains. “There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to romance.”
Individuals seeking more information about maintaining romance throughout the aging process can visit Dr. Marson’s website for additional resources and consultation options. After all, as we grow older together, investing in our romantic relationships may be one of the most rewarding commitments we can make.
